Our flight to London leaves tomorrow afternoon, which means that today has been spent, by and large, in a haze of Doing Things: wrapping gifts, packing bags, putting bikes in storage, sewing the ends into Toby’s new Dr Who scarf, doing tax, buying travel insurance, finalising the return of our bond, photocopying passports, purchasing books and so on. One might reasonably expect that this anticipatory bustle was the highlight – and, indeed, the be-all, end-all – of the day.
One would, however, be wrong.
In the course of stumbling upon my computer’s text-to-speech function and making it say swear words (which was a subset of recalibrating my cursor speed, which was a corollary of trying to fix my recalcitrant USB ports) , my loving husband discovered a similar facility in his own laptop: viz, its voice recognition software. Had this program been given a more specific nomenclature – such as word recognition or sentence construction software – I would be perfectly poised to denounce these labels as both false and misleading. However, after listening to almost two hours of a grown man patiently endeavouring to coax sense from a machine, I may safely vouch that the voice recognition software does, indeed, interpret his voice – albeit with a complete and utter lack of accuracy.
Fixing these many defects is an ongoing process: for one thing, the software seems categorically incapable of comprehending Toby’s pronunciation of the letter F, with humerous results, while attempts at associative spelling (C for Clive) have frequently devolved along the lines of P for Pisshead, F for Fuck, and S for Stupid. Nonetheless, he persists. Fifteen minutes alone were dedicated to teaching it the name Frege, which his laptop interpreted as ‘radio’ – an amusing misapprehension which Frege himself would have doubtless been well-placed to appreciate. With each sternly reiterated command (Go To End Of Document!), I find myself envisaging his computer as a disobedient puppy or head-tilting parrot. Bad software – go to your cage!
In which context, I am delighted to offer the following garbage – a word for word transcript of today’s efforts at voice recognition turned into existential poetry by judicious use of the space key (Toby’s doing). I can’t provide a comparative record of what was actually said to elicit such nonsense, but I can assure you that it in no way resembled what here follows. It’s my belief that his laptop has a secret penchant for Vogon poetry. I’ll let you judge for yourselves.
Vogon Voice Recognition Poetry
Gus that it is now a girl
from what you’re doing
what you listen to
what lined up
can’t say how your right mind dog
could revenge on his knees and at least try another
down missing so I cent gas
is now back
is no gas
there is now a girl
what you’re doing
what you listen to
what my now can’t say how
your right mind goal remains
them unused needs at least try another her and her are
How hotels urinal I give you
realise that your hotel one listening
usually listening to them
in writing things down
Maxwell’s quoted no
and what was that I can do little
but not mostly to what I’m saying
issue a real Secretary
are beginning very angry
that it can honestly start looking
at receiving the and the long-haul dark
or her who are already
some other blacks were not mostly
to what I’m saying usual real secretaries
bearing a finger again
reader can honestly start looking at receiving B
and a long haul are all looks a Milan
to have a better known by her
you are oracle is our way
and I for every year
you will rely on they are there is a
Up, you are knew what you’re talking about
his a limousine as growing very room,
and only three creating
I’ll walk towards more on her
who are all middle of his indulging
quite the here and there are other people on,
and already some other blacks were not mostly
to what I’m saying usual real job
has bearing asking you again readers are,
they start looking at receiving B
ally our phones and other nine
took them known by her
you want oracle is it,
why and I walked in reunion
will run like one day I’ll bet he is
the in up of I-the the who had.
Good luck with the trip and I hope you have a grand time in London.
Thanks Ian! Very psyched and full of Turkish Delight in preparation for tomorrow 🙂
Hey I gave you an award: http://withextrapulp.com.au/?p=325
How was London? Thanks for sharing the Vogon Voice Recognition Poetry.
London was great fun! Not sure if we’ll get back there again this trip, but it would be wonderful if we did.